?

Log in

No account? Create an account
moving back into my "real" life
20 most recent entries

Date:2004-04-24 22:19
Subject:
Security:Public

I have made this journal friends only.

If you wish to be added just comment and I will add you.

If you read this and haven't friended me, let me know cause I don't want to keep out people who care to read my journal.

The only reason I'm doing this is because several people from my real life have decided to act disrespectful, decietful, and nasty. Which makes me have to ban and block people who aren't on my friends list.

Eli

13 comments | post a comment



Date:2004-04-23 23:41
Subject:
Security:Public

Earned 89 hours
Taking 15 hours
Need 87 hours
= after this quarter I am half way done with school.
87 divided by 5 = only 17.4 classes left to go

87/15 = 5.8 quarters
87/20 = 4.35 quarters

Folks we are talking...1 1/2 years really till I could graduate with a women's studies degree...

And the numbers are the exact same for poli sci

I need 35 poli sci hours, I have 10, so only 3 more major classes for that one. Its basically the same for WS.

GEC's I have 45 hours left, 2 math, 1 stat, 1 science, 4 language, and 1 senor class left for those....


Its kinda nice to know that graduating isn't as far off and hopeless as I've been thinking.


Oh and I have my classes for fall picked if I can get in...

Women Studies 520 Women of Color and Social Activism
Political Science 502 Campaign Politics
Political Science 505 Urban Government
Spanish 101.01 Elementry Spanish

post a comment



Date:2004-04-23 22:20
Subject:
Security:Public

cabbage rolls for dinner...yummmmmy
my dog had a bath before we got here and he is fluffy!

My head feels like someone is beating on it.

Talked too Vicki online, haven't talked to her in forever!
Her and her gf of 5 months just got an appartment together, and she has some job in insurance were she is making 32,000 a year, shitttttttttttttt, I can't wait to be grown up, and hell thats at the low end of the professional world.

I haven't been feeling myself lately.

I feel consumped by anger, but I don't know what at or who at, I just feel like if I could beat the shit out of someone I'd feel alot better.

post a comment



Date:2004-04-23 09:39
Subject:
Security:Public

hmmmmmmm

I'm mad.
I'm grumpy.

You know, before not too long ago I never used to be a grumpy person in the morning, but as time has progressed, and with the keen eye of Dee pointing it out, I am a complete grump face in the morning.

When I stay at her house, I have a chance to work out my grumpiness by the time I get to campus, today I am at work and I am so grumpy and mad for no reason really, but I want to just break things and hit people.

Gahhhhhhhhhhh

Fighting with Dee last night, gahhhhhhhhhhh

I'm just not feeling life today.

post a comment



Date:2004-04-21 16:18
Subject:
Security:Public

Well I am glad to announce I am through my "I'm such a disgusting loser fuck that I can't bare to be alone or even deal with life because I want to scratch my eyes and flesh off I'm so repulsive" depression stage.

I have lost 10lbs according to the scale at the gym, and according to my pants that will notttttttttttttttt stay up. This is a good thing, a little hurdle, with many more to go. Still should do be doing better at my diet, actually I don't even want to call it a diet, just more like eating healthier.

Today I have to go do some research thing on breakfast bars or drinks, they are giving me 25 bucks so thats cool.

I may go to a Clippers game tonight with Bob if it stops raining, I invited Gert too.

Dee doesn't want to hang out with me cause she doesn't love me anymore and is oppsessed with her friends lol.

Carrie suggested that I am too quick to condem myself for one thing or a slight imperfection which is true. She wants me to keep a diary of good things I do so I can see while yes it is bad to eat 2 big macs, its not throw out all the good decisions I've made that day or week.

OK the end.

post a comment



Date:2004-04-19 09:22
Subject:
Security:Public

Sometimes, Dee looks so cute asleep in bed wiggling her feet, that I want to jump back in and sleep cuddled beside her forever.

However to use a phrase she says always...

Lately the designs on the boxer shorts she has been wearing are UNFORTUNATE!

So I am suppose to be writing a paper right now, and I will but bah.

I have a math midterm tomorrow, which means lots of craming

My ear hurts like a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah.

I have been thinking about jojojojojojojojojo alot, maybe it was the indian food, or I was talking about how I should have my bday party at dave and busters and it would be like a grown up chucky cheese. Anyway, it made me miss jojojojojojo.

post a comment



Date:2004-04-18 20:20
Subject:
Security:Public

so this is probably the longest I have gone in a long time without updating, however, I'm sure I don't have any die hard readers out there who've just been dying for an update, even thought that would be rad if they exsisted.

My status right now...in the otterbien library on the computer...my body has been freaking out on me since wednesday, crazy muscles cramping up, crazy fevers going up and down, sore throat, went to the doctor on thursday and he did a strep test, but I went in cause it felt like an elephant sat on me. I don't have strep. However, this morning I was fine, by noon I thought someone was driving a screwdriver through my ear, by 2 I was at urgent care, and by 3 I was happily content with the numbing painkiller eardrops they gave me for my "whopping" ear infection. I just don't know how it could have come on so fast, 10:30 when I woke up I was fine, by noon I wanted to kill myself to stop the pain. I was rolling on the bed screaming into my pillow.

I lost my phone charger somehow from the time I left the hotel Tuesday morning to whenever, I couldn't find it, and my warrenty didn't cover it, so I shelled out 40 bucks today to get a new one.

Dee and I had lunch at this Indian restraunt. It was really good. We had never been to one before, and we managed to order good stuff. It was nice. After that I got some ice cream. We then went back to her place and walked to the library were she is having a meeting with her lab group over some report they are doing. I'm a little peeved because she wouldn't give me her name and password to use the computer, she had to come in and do it for me. Which is dumb because, she knows my email password, and I've trusted her with my livejournal password, and not only that but I gave Sam my user name and password to OSU stuff so she could look at some library stuff. I guess it just hurts she doesn't trust me with it. Which its probably not even that, its probably the same password she uses for other stuff, but like still, it kinda irks me.

Yesterday was a good day dispite the fact I couldn't swallow. The zoo was packed! But it was cool cause I only worked till 3, and the evil weirdo wasn't there, and I was on floor instead of being stuck at a cash register, so basically after I had stocked the floor and whatever, my sole job was to kinda keep things picked up, answer questions, and just walk around and do as I please, which meant hanging out in the stock room with Emily this cool girl from OSU and the community service chick who was working off her court hours after getting caught underage drinking. She was telling me and Emily that she does like 7-8 jagerbombs when she drinks. She was one of those popular slutty highschool girls. But she seemed cool enough. Also some other big news at the zoo...everyone is going crazy because a baby elephant was just born. Which actually is a big deal cause that hardly ever happens in captivity. It was born on the 16th, so its dee and I's anniversary baby. They named him Peanut though which I think is really lame. But the very next day, a baby gorilla was born. Everyone was going nuts about that too, talking about how cute it was. After work Emily and I went to go see it, it was not cute, it was small and ugly and weird looking. It will be alot cuter when it gets hairy and can run around.

After work saturday Bob, Lamarr, and I went to a driving range which I'd never done and was quite fun. Bob tried to teach me and Lamarr how to do it. We just laughed at him and kept on sucking at it lol. After that we went putt putting, I won cause I always do at putt putt. Then dinner at burger king, mmm whopper.

Friday I rented Kill Bill, which was fucking awesome, and then friday night Dee, Sam, Kel, and I went to see Kill Bill 2, which was equally as fucking awesome...all I got to say is eyeball!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK sooo dee is done and I need to go get my ear drops.

More later maybe.

post a comment



Date:2004-04-08 15:16
Subject:
Security:Public

hmmmm

so I still feel like shit about myself, but I'm doing things to feel better, they aren't really working, so I've been thinking of going back on meds. I was talking to carrie yesterday about how in the past when I was depressed it wasn't so much about me personally, but about like life around me and how I was dealing with it. Now its the opposite, I feel like a disgusting piece of shit, and its affecting everything else. I've never hated myself before and I do now which is weird and I can tell its weird, I don't know why this change has come, but I know the exact moment it started, the day my dumb boss at the zoo made me feel like a ugly ignorant fuck, since then I haven't been able to shake that feeling. Like I've been doing the traditional things I do to make myself feel better and none of it is working. But I have to push through it.

I really like the gym. Not just because its good for me but because its fun, and its a good enviroment to surround myself in. I'm al little sore today but nothing major. I went to a water aerobics class last night and it was fun and alot more of a work out then I thought. Afterwards my arms felt like they were gonna drop off. There were a bunch of old ladies, fat ladies, and some young ones. At first I felt weird and self concious and out of place, but as the class went on I got into it and it was fun. Next time hopefully the odd feelings will fade away.

I had my 3rd start up appointment today at 5:30, but I canceled because me, bob, and lamarr are going to the shrine circus! ha ha, such a kid thing to do but sometimes doing stuff that reminds me of being a kids makes me feel better. I'm glad they are going because dee didn't want to and I can't think of anything sadder than going to the circus by yourself.

I really like my theatre class, haven't missed one yet, I like my history class although the lecture seems far to long even though I like the teacher. Math I hate, recitation isn't bad, haven't really given lecture a chance.I haven't been to lecture since last wednesday, so that 3 classes I've missed, and I couldn't get myself to go to recitation this week, so thats 2 classes. And I missed a history class on monday. It seems like when I feel like crap, school is the first thing affected. I will go tomorrow to math lecture tomorrow.

Tomorrow after I go to the gym I need to do laundry. I might go see a play out in dublin too, by this all girl troupe.

Ahhhh poop.

post a comment



Date:2004-04-07 14:31
Subject:
Security:Public

I feel completely miserable with myself. That about sums it up. My meeting with Carrie today just highlighted how crazy I have become. I am disgusting. I need a plan for how to recover myself and my fucking life. I don't know what to do with myself.

1 comment | post a comment



Date:2004-04-06 17:51
Subject:
Security:Public

well LJ people, I have come to a crossroads so to speak with myself.

I need to lose weight or I will end up killing myself wit diabetes or heart disease or other horrible things, my dieting plan hasn't been working out, so I decided to attack the other part of losing weight...I joined a gym. Victory Fitness, an all woman fitness center with a pool, whirlpool, sauna, steam room, and like a Vic's Vapor rub room thats really cool. They have nautalis stuff, and tons of cardio things, aerobic classes, cycling, kick boxing, and all for 20 bucks a month. A deal like that can not be passed on, so now I'm slave to the grind.

Also, I finally got off my ass and opened a new checking account. Fuck 5/3 I'm finally getting out of there after months of whining.

Work has been going well, I could be doing better at school. I need to eat healthier.

I feel very strongly that I need to get my life together and that includes my body.

So Dee is doubtful that I will really stick to this, but I am determined to do it. So cross your fingers.

3 comments | post a comment



Date:2004-04-05 17:49
Subject:
Security:Public

ahhhhh isn't it amazing how your mood can be so connected to one person that it can change in an instant ie: I was in a good fucking mood today. Went to school, went to work, opened a new checking account, got a movie gift card, got info on a play I want to see, work wasn't horrible, had subway for lunch, was excited to get off work and tell dee about the research I did for our trip...

call her when I get off work, and the bitchfest started.

Yes I said I would take the trash out like a week ago and I still have not done it. I am at fault for that.

But don't blame me for having a dirty room when I have maybe 4 things in the corner as compared to the rest of your shit thrown all around the room. Added that you said you'd make me a place to keep some stuff so that there wouldn't be a mess, and you have not. Yet you get made when I don't leave stuff to wear at your house.

I did leave the futton down, I could have put it up, you are correct.

I asked you to go to sam's so we could watch L-Word, you had a good time, so don't throw it in my face because we did something I wanted. We do alot of what you want to do, and we do stuff I want to do, and I/We don't do some things that I really want to. So don't say that because one time you did something I wanted to do when you really didn't want to that I some how owe you for the rest of eternity or that its some huge sacrifce because I do it all the time. And I don't whine or complain about it because thats just part of being together, compromise and doing things we want and don't want sometimes because the person we care about wants or doesn't want to do something.

Blame me for someone else fucking with the phone, fabulous, blame me for not being able to call you back or talk to you online while I was at work, fabulous and retarded.

So I usually don't vent about this stuff in here, but whatever, ever since I played phone tag with her, my mood has been completely squashed.

Not to mention I am a fat ugly fuck who can't stick to a diet, I need some fucking will power.

post a comment



Date:2004-04-02 23:17
Subject:
Security:Public

I am mushy, I need my boo to come be mushy with me in dayton. MUSHY MUSHY ON THE COUCH!!!

Why am I an emotional sap sometimes...who watches OZ on HBO and cries? I do, damn they were gonna execute this guys retarded brother, and they were all trying to mask his exucution as like just a doctors visit and a chance to eat his fave food, lord the water works were flowing.

It is amazing thought that I haven't been able to watch that show in years really, and I watch one eppy and I'm right back in, same peeps and characters, it was nice.

OZ is my bitch.

Is it bad that I'm already dreading going to the zoo? lol gah if my boss didn't suck I would actually love it. Fucking sucky boss. She is a scary bitch if there ever was one, even scarier than Jan the one eyed monster at the dawg.

wow that thing about jan was mean, ha ha fuck it they tortured me there, I'm allowed a low down comment now and then.

There is a possibility for something awesome to work out, awesome for me but I don't know how some of my real life friends will like it. But until I know for sure if said thing is gonna work out or not I am keeping quiet about it, so to avoid drama or what not. But I need to say I am excited and I can't stop thinking about if its gonna work out and if it does all the possibilities and how much better my life would be. Word. Its crazy.

1 comment | post a comment



Date:2004-04-02 14:33
Subject:
Security:Public

I'm in Dayton

Whoa Whoa

Had some chop suey for lunch, remembered how dee brought me home that time and we had a date there and I showed her lots of places I like in Dayton.

Last night I had dinner with my dad and I was showing him my phone and what it could do, I said he should let me take his picture so when he calls it comes up. He was like ok, then he asked if there was a picture of Dee on there, and I said yep, and he asked me to see it cause he's never seen a picture of her. That made me sad. Over a year with this hugely special person in my life and he's never seen a picture or met her. Him saying that made it clear that he is interested in meeting her. Now I guess its just up to Dee.

Talked to my friend steph online for the first time in forever. It was nice. I should do some homework. And write Steph a letter. I will.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-29 18:08
Subject:
Security:Public

Sooooo

school was good today, however work at the MCC sucked, michele was like super bitch today.

Anyway,

Theatre class looks fun as hell, they lady is english but from dublin ireland and her accent is cool, she was blasting RENT songs over the speakers before class. One Song GLory came on and I tried to call boo but boo did not answer.

History is ok, its like a dungeon though cramped, block walls, no windows. My TA has like a stuttering thing, but more like he hasn't taught before so he is nervous and trying to fill up space.

Math was ungodly boring, probably because I have heard the same lecture 2 times before. 3rd times a charm though.

I packed both my lunch and my dinner. I was nice I like it.

Still debating whether I want to spend school nights at my house as a rule or not, I don't really care as long as I can pack my lunches and dinners and do my homework.

I have a coupon for free appetizer at Champps, Dee or someone should go with me.

Common Ground tonight, hope its not a drag.

Already did some of my math homework. I think the best way for me to tackle school is to never get behind because when I do I just say fuck it and it gets worse.

So I've been keeping a written journal for the last week or so. I like it a bit better cause its more available to me, and I can say whatever I want. Not that I don't say what I want here, but like after having my private stuff so public for so long, its nice to have a place thats just for me.

Talked to heather about money and such, we discussed repayment and such, and such, and such.

Bah.

Gonna go charge my phone and do homework.

1 comment | post a comment



Date:2004-03-28 08:19
Subject:
Security:Public

I am alive.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-25 09:55
Subject:
Security:Public

Last Friday I left for Erie, PA. Before that I got my pay check, packed, and had lunch with Dee.

I drove 71-271-90 all the way there, however I stopped for gas in macedonia, where I discovered my break lights were not going off and my cruise control did not work.

I got to Lilly's about 8pm. Called the Ford hotline, they told me to take the fuse out so as not to run my battery out. LOL that was a struggle though cause we couldn't get it out, but then one of lilly's friends happened to walk by and all was good cause he got it out.

Friday night we ordered Chinese food and just sat around talking and watching TV.

Saturday afternoon we got up and went to a Ford dealer to get my car fixed. They were like we checked everything out, and all we had to do was snap some thing back in place so we'll do that for free. However, then they started talking all this brake pad and rotors deal and I was like yeah right you fuckers are trying to get some girl form outta town to buy all this shit she doesn't need. So I made them sho me and sure enough I did fucking need new shit. So 305 dollars later I have new brake pads, roters, and my lights and cruise control fixed for free. It took like 4 hours for the whole car deal to get done.

Then Lil and I set off for Niagara Falls, CA, in a shit storm of rain. It rained all they way to Buffalo. Had to cross these scary bridges. Got lost in Niagara, NY but I found our way out if it and into the right place. Got in to Canada no problems.

First thing we did was find a parking place, then we looked at the falls for awhile, then we went to eat at the Rainforest Cafe, which was so awesome and cool. Neither of us had ever been so it was fun. I got my first legal Canadian drinky, a strawberry daiquri, yum. After dinner it was still raining so we went to the casino, ha ha was that fun! Lill wasn't all that into it at first but as soon as she found the nickle slots there was no pulling her away from them. I had a Sex on the Beach from one of their bars. I cashed out 40 buck to gamble, some 50 cent, some quarters, mostly nickles. I ended up winning half of my 40 back so that was cool. After about 3 hours gambling, we walked around Clifton Hill, didn't do much, just site seeing. Got some dessert. Then walked back to the car. It was really beautiful at the falls. The American Falls had all this snow and ice build up at the bottom so it looked like a glacier. It was nice. Then we drove 2 hours back to Erie, we got in about 2am.

Sunday, we got up in the afternoon, then Lill, her roommate rachel, and I went to old navy were it was like Whoa cool stuff. Spent 85 bucks on lots of shirts. Then they ran into JC Penny's, then I dropped them off, and had lunch at Eat n' Park, Dee used to work at one in Canton, so I thought I'd try it. It was good, kinda like Big Boy or Shoney's.

After that I started the drive home but hit a really disgusting snow storm it was crazy. People were swerving and speeding and I couldn't even see the tail lights of the car in front of me. So I got off the highway and went to a hotel and got a room for the night, I had like 2 more hours more to drive and at teh 25mph I was going I wouldn't have gotten home till well in the morning. So I got a room, they had an indoor pool so I went swimming in my pj pants and a tshirt cause I had no suit. Then I ordered a motel movie, American Wedding, it was fun. Ate my leftovers from lunch, read my book, and went to sleep. Woke up early monday had the free hotel breakfast, finished my book, and left about 10 AM. Turns out I had pulled off at the same exit where I had gotten gas Friday. Got to Columbus around 12pm.

Dee and I went to the sprint store and I got a new kick ass phone. Then we had lunch at Adobe Gillas, then we saw Eternal Sunshine, and it was awesome. Followed that up by going pant shopping which we didn't find any, and we went to sportmart.

Tuesday I had to work at the zoo and it went shitty and good all at the same time. My aunt and 2 of my cousins happened to come in, so that was nice. Finally got my uniform.

Then I went to have lunch with Dee, but it was drama, then I got gas and a car wash to wash away all the grime and salt from my trip. Got a baseball glove at Play it again.

Yesterday, we had lunch with Shawn, then we went underwear shopping for the wedding dee is in, then we went shoe shopping for the same wedding, then we stopped to get her dress altered but they couldn't fit her in, then we went to borders, then we had really good chinese food at this fancy place. Then we went to Big and Tall lol were I go 2 pairs of pants, one kacki and one dark jeans. Then we went to the library were she got books and I got documentaries...Spellbound and the Devil's Playground. We cleaned her room and watched the Devils Playground last night.

Today I am doing some internet chores, gonna eat my left over sandwich, then drop off a movie, go buy my school books, clean my room, and then meet up with dee to have her dress altered and then I don't know what.

I work at the zoo 10-5 friday, 8:30-3:30 Sat, and 10-Cl sunday.

Bah ha ha

post a comment



Date:2004-03-24 01:02
Subject:
Security:Public

I am alive.

Got back from my trip monday afternoon, so details about that will come later.

Had a shitty day working at the zoo, hopefully it won't be shitty again and I was just too sensitive today.

Got a new cell phone on Monday as well, so my old phone and number are not working, I will make a post later for all my real life friends with the new number and maybe give some folks a call.

Dee is pestering me for the compy.

I bought a baseball glove, and a guitar. My fun spending is done.

Now bossy pants can have the computer.

post a comment



Date:2004-03-18 23:35
Subject:
Security:Public

wow

I have no words really to describe how I am feeling right now, well actually thats not true, I have alot to say but I don't know if its the right/best thing to say. But I think I need to get my thoughts off my cheast.

Here is what happened...

Dee and I went to see Miranda at work and to look around the store cause Dee had never been. We chatted with Miranda, I told her I missed her, asked about her trip, said I wanted to get together when she got back to hang out. I thought things were as they normally are. I then told Miranda my feelings about Kelly's girlfriends Heather. I told her about how I didn't like Heather for several reasons. The main reasons being that heather has done some very manipulated and shady things to me, I feel she has disrespected me and dee and our relationship, I feel that she doesn't treat kelly how she should. Basically I feel that Heather does selfish things, doesn't always think of the consequences, and then isn't completely honest about what is happening. The example of what heather did to me when the whole "Jason" thing happened, what she did to me involving the "probation" thing, trying to act like she hadn't just gone behind my back to my gf and then acted like nothing was going on at the renegade practices. There are other things, but those are some of the main reasons. And that sometimes she disgusts me.

Not everyone agrees with me, but several do. Some as strongly and some not as much. Everyone has their own opinions.

After we left seeing Miranda, Dee and I went to her place. About an hour later, Kelly comes home, and was heading out the door, but stopped in the room and said that she had heard I was talking about her girlfriend. I asked her who said that. She said Miranda. I told Kelly that most of it was joking, which some of it was and some was over exagerated. She then told me that if I had something to say to heather I could say it to her myself, or I could say it to kelly, and then she left. While what Kel said about speaking my feelings to heather or herself is true, and I will do that. I don't regret saying what I said to miranda, I do feel that way, I'm not ashamed of it or scared to say what I feel. If a time had presented itself to speak to either kel or heather I would have. But that time hadn't come.

So now that we know I don't apologize for what I said, I can get to why I am upset.

Miranda and I became friends through circumstances no one would think could lend itself to friendship. I was on a "break" with Cat. Cat and Miranda had sex or something like it. Shortly after I found out, I discussed it with Cat, I discussed it with Miranda. Considering the time of which the things happened, and the fact that I knew Cat was doing things, and I hadn't had a friendship with Miranda previously. I thought that it was ill advised to hold things against Miranda. So I didn't I took the high road. I wasn't jealous or angry, I didn't treat her like shit, I didn't talk bad or nasty about her. At this same time, Miranda was getting ready to come to school at OSU. So we chatted about that, I tried to help answer her questions about school. She and I even met up to hang out at steak and shake, I even met her at Celebrity a couple times, met her gf at the time too.

I was able to talk to Miranda about every single thing in my life. I talked to her about Cat and how I was feeling and dealing with that, I talked to her about my life, and Nate, and my family, and being depressed, later on I talked to her about everything good or bad going on with Dee and I. She has always had my complete trust and honesty. Early on in our relationship we said that whatever was between us, the things we said to each other were confidential. After Miranda was at OSU for awhile I began calling her my adopted sister. I really did feel we were family in a way. She is the first and only friend who I trusted with everything. Life and school at OSU wasn't that great for Miranda. She dated alot of people, stuff was happening with money, and her mom, she was partying alot, I was there listening and being a friend just like she did me.

She has confided in me many many things about people, relationships, stuff that was happening, and I've never repeated it, never told anyone, and I've always stood by her. When she dated some of my friends, I didn't know how it would turn out, but I stood by her, and when things ended with my friends I still stood by her. One of the first times I hung out with Miranda at OSU, she had gotten her car towed, and then gotten completely drunk at a party, were no one else was offering to help. I got her a cab, I rode with her in the cab, went with her to the impound to get her car, and then drove her back to the party cause she was too drunk to drive. At the party when I offered to take her to my house so she could sleep it off, she choose to go to a girls house. I didn't mind, it was miranda's business, but she knew I was there if she needed me, no matter what.

Another time, at a party she got beyond drunk, drunk to the point I thought she might die. No one else was sober enough to really care for her. They left her passed out on a bathroom floor covered in her own vomit and piss. No one was really doing anything. I went looking for her and found her in the bathroom, I got her help, I picked her up, I cleaned her up, I made sure she wasn't vomiting all over herself, I kept her awake, I got her water, I made sure she was breathing, I was with her for over 2 hours in that bathroom while a party went on around us. I helped her go to the bathroom, pull up and down her pants, lean on me, barf on me, whatever she need I did it because she was my sister and I had too and wanted to take care of her. I got her help from other adults that were there. Eventually, I carried her into another room where she slept it off, and I checked on her and sat with her for a couple more hours making sure she was still breathing. Worrying about if she was gonna die or not.

I've opened my home to her whenever she needed it, when she started dating taryn, I made my place open to them for anything, sex in my living room even. I opened my parties and holiday dinners to her. When other peopel we knew didn't talk to her, when other people we knew stopped calling and visiting and wanting to hang out, I always did, I was always there for her. I always invited her to all the fun things I know about. I visit her at work, I bring her things to make her happy. When things were going shitty here recently, I was the one she called at 4 in the morning. I was the one she told about what was going on, I was the one who stood up for her when I was being questioned by someone, I didn't think it was right but I choose to stand with my family first no matter what.

Until today, no matter what had happened before I still had my trust in Miranda, I still loved her as my sister, I held her as my true confidant, someone I could always depend on. I was proven wrong tonight. Why was I proven wrong?

From what I know, Heather has been talking to Miranda, trying to get closer too her, be better friends, the motives aren't clear. But they are questionable considering many things a. kelly b. taryn c. the fact that kelly had some thing for miranda way back, the list could go on a bit. This has been happening here the last couple weeks or so.

Tonight when I told Miranda in confidence what I thought about the situation with Heather, Miranda had been text messaging with heather. She told heather we were there. Heather asked how it was going. Miranda told heather that evidently I didn't like her. Heather asked for details, and miranda basically told her everything if not all I had said to her about Heather.

An hour later, and with out warning, the things I had spoken in confidence and private to one of my best friends, my sister, had spread around and now there is drama.

I feel absolutely betrayed. I feel crushed beyond what I have ever felt before. I have cried for the hours since I found out what Miranda had done. Not cried because there was drama or heather knew what I thought, but because Miranda had thrown away everything we had as friends and sisters for a fleeting interaction/friendship/whatever with heather. I have never had someone stab me in the back as horribly as miranda has now. She choose someone she barely knows, over me and our relationship of over 2 years. All that Miranda and I have been through, all we have done for each other, I guess meant nothing in the end to her. Maybe I am wrong. But I don't feel wrong. I feel I was used, I feel my private interaction with Miranda was turned into gossip and fodder for a fire. I never expected this to happen. After sharing 2 years of the most inimate parts of my life with someone, I never thought they would do this to me. Maybe the friendship meant more to me. Maybe something else is going on. Maybe Miranda doesn't like me or want to be friends anymore.

Whatever the case, I don't really know what to do now. Part of me wants to say fuck her. Part of me wants to know why, why didn't she think, why did she do it, why did she decided I wasn't important and our confidentiality and trust meant nothing. I really don't know. Part of me wants to never talk to her or see her again. Part of me wants to understand. Part of me wants to reconcile. But the only thing I do know now, is that I can't trust her like I thought I could. The precious part of our relationship has been ruined. Maybe Miranda didn't think things through enough to know what the consequences were, and maybe after reading this or talking to me she realizes what a mistake it was. Or maybe she doesn't feel it was a mistake at all.

Things between us are changed, I've had person after person after person fuck me over, come in and out of my life, fuck it up, and run away, hurt me, use me, abuse me, disrespect me, the list goes on. I thought I was protected from those things with Miranda. I was wrong.

My heart feels completely crushed and broken. I feel as if someone has shattered my world apart. The things I thought were for sure and were certain are no more. Its like 2 hours ago I had a sister, now that sister has passed aways and I'm left holding my memories, crying, asking why.

2 comments | post a comment



Date:2004-03-18 00:52
Subject:
Security:Public

at dee's

I'm finally done with school

start at the zoo tomorrow

tired is the word for me

post a comment



Date:2004-03-17 12:47
Subject:
Security:Public

I am cool!

I got to columbus this morning, stopped in an used my Mcdonalds coupons on some egg mcmuffins, yum.

Parked my car, went to my final. I think it went alright. Maybe not the best, but alright. After that I got to the library and returned all my research books. Got to computer lab and had an email from my teacher saying my works cited page was all wake so I had to do it again. Only I had just returned my books and have no hard copy of my paper with me, blast, so had to go track down my books again and do a new works cited page.

Also it is dumb that my teacher is here, and at 11:30 she saw me and was like got your final for me, and I was like yea. Fuck you hoe, its not due till 5:30, I still had to write it. Anyway she is gone now which is good.

I emailed her my bibliography, and finished my final and emailed that to her as well.

Now just 2, 2 page papers by 5:30 and I am done!

Of course I am going to finish those papers now, which probably won't take me more than an hour.

that is why I am cool

post a comment


browse
my journal